How do we trust again - ourself or others?  How do we know WHO to Trust?

Inevitably those that have done it to us don't accept any blame, quite the opposite, they shift it to us. We can't explain how we are feeling, what we are thinking to anyone else in a meaningful way because we aren't entirely sure what has happened or is happening.  

We stumble around in the dark looking for answers trying to work out how to get our life back together and however hard we try, their hidden campaign trips us up every step of the way because what we are seeing isn’t really what’s happening.  Gaslighting is a technique that destabilises us completely.  Lies and illusions create a fake narrative we believe in, within a home items can be moved or removed making us feel we aren’t so sure of ourselves.  In doubting our own actions we look to who we can trust to reassure us, help us.  Sadly in a relationship that’s the person hurting us so now they have even more control.  In a work situation it’s a colleague or boss.  We begin living in a new reality and as no one else is there to verify if it’s right or wrong there’s no one to ground us and make us see a different picture.

During that time, the abuser takes complete control of the narrative.  Discovering what’s happening brings a whole new type of trouble - they've been seen, potentially exposed for who and what they are; what happens next depends of the situation - it may be we are love bombed back to sleep or that we are a threat to them and will find ourself on the end of a smear campaign, victim shamed and silenced, isolated from friends, family and maybe even our own children.  We are painted as crazy, paranoid....liars...  brutally discarded and most likely left financially destitute and afraid of consequences.  In a personal relationship this can be when it turns violent, women are just as capable of this as men are but that brings a new shame for the men and it’s less spoken of, harder for them in a world where victims are already shamed for speaking out.

There is no closure and we can be left feeling ashamed, invalidated and unheard having done absolutely nothing wrong, stuck within a loop of bewilderment that never ceases because without really knowing what has happened to us, let alone how it's happened - we can't find any clarity and a way to move on.  Self trust is destroyed, trust in others is destroyed and the world suddenly seems a very frightening place indeed.

In the end victims are often hoovered back in by their abuser to begin the cycle all over again... returning back to the person that originally hurt us either because we haven’t got another choice or we haven’t entirely seen the truth of the situation and the trauma bond they’ve created with us kicks in.

The part of us that 'makes us a unique Human' is the part we need our own Mind to firstly see and then accept exists to be able to connect to it once again to regain some control, feel grounded once more.  It’s the part of our core being that can be easily manipulated especially if we are quite sensitive or empathic individuals.  The need to help overcomes the need to protect ourself.  Others have little problem exploiting this trait in others.

Once we have learned the techniques others have learned and engage in to manipulate us emotionally we can better protect ourselves.  We can see it and choose our response rather than be triggered into one.

If we speak of how we feel to a significant other, we expect them to hear us and to help.  If it’s them causing the problem we want to know why they do what they do and ask them to amend their behaviour.  If that behaviour is getting them great results and a new behaviour means giving, communicating, helping someone else – fair chance it’s unlikely to ever happen.  

Silent treatment is a great way to bring someone to their knees – the feeling of never being heard, that someone literally won’t listen stifles us to the extreme.  We either choose to push our feelings down and re-engage them accepting their choice not to hear or we walk away from them completely.  It’s a childish emotional reaction but it manipulates us to their needs and never addresses our own.

Word Salad is almost a distraction tool.  Start a conversation with a specific agenda and suddenly all and everything is being dragged in to confuse and move the conversation to any place apart from where you want it to go.   They will not be held accountable, will not engage in meaningful discussion and answer questions because they often can’t without a full blown lie.  Nothing ever makes sense.

Love Bombing is a lovely manipulation – you’re made to feel loved and wanted, nothing is too much trouble – today, this week, this month.  And just as all the trust is feeling like it’s all just been a misunderstanding and maybe you do love them, they were just stressed and tired or the boss isn’t so bad or a colleague isn’t so much of a liar or our children aren’t so bad, BOOM it all stops again.  It’s an act, it’s not the real them but they’re emotionally manipulating you into loving them, liking them, trusting and believing in them so they can carry on as they did before.  All empty promises and meaningless gifts.

Life around these people is a constant chore of walking on eggshells – avoiding consequences.  You’re not sure what those will be but you’re sure you don’t want them and maybe it’s just shaking them out of moodiness and making them help more, look happier and be more loving and kind so you’ll feed into them more and more until you don’t exist and they give you absolutely nothing in return except more of the same.

You’ll be afraid they’ll leave you or you’ll lose your job, fear becomes a big part of the eggshell walk and yet it’s not something the victim ever sees – they don’t have time, don’t behave this way themselves and have idea others are doing this to manipulate them into total subjugation most of the time.  

Our Minds protect us from our truths but in reality, not knowing our own truth holds us back.

Speaking our truth in the past will have brought anger and judgement from others because what we want and how we feel doesn't suit them or matter to them, it's only what they want us to do for them that matters.  

In being hurt so often, we will have stopped speaking of how we feel (maybe even as long ago as in childhood).  We hold those feelings close within even after they've left our lives because we no longer know how to speak up, let it out - not to anyone.   Eventually we walk through our relationships, jobs, friendships with no idea how we feel, that we are even hurting - feeling numb through a total overwhelm is our normal.  

In finally finding a voice, in finally speaking out on what has been happening, what may still be happening the victim of the abuse finds themselves amongst people that either don't believe them and choose to invalidate their story in saying so and shutting them down or....

They do believe them but then continue to silence them from speaking more publicly, naming their abuser and describing what's happened to them for fear there will be more retaliation.  It's an understandable response when people don't want us to be hurt more but all it's truly doing is aiding the abuser.

If in speaking out we are hurt further then then told it's our fault because we brought it on ourself for speaking out, let alone publicly and shaming them, that we somehow deserve what happens next when in truth, the problem is the abusser needs to be seen, held accountable and punished even if it's just sociallt within a community that can support the victim by shaming the abuser for their actions.  Not all justice needs to be judicial to help.

Victim shaming has the most detrimental effect, it absolutely doesn't help the vicitm to feel heard or safe, it doesn't prevent any more people falling prey to the abusive person as they are never held accountable or shamed so noone else can warn any potential new victims they may have lined up without any consequence to themself personally.

In a world where Health and Safety, especially in the UK, has signs on everything that may be a threat to our physucal well being - why aren't signs allowed to be placed over abusers doors?  Dogs get better protection from abusive men than women and children in our society get today.  

Men have little to no hope from abusive women as men see it as shameful to admit they've been abused full stop.  Not all abuse is physical but most emotional, psychological  and narcisstic abuse happens because the victim on a deeper level fears how physical it will get if there is no compliance.